It gets me every time

Ellie had her 9-month appointment with the doctor yesterday. The doctor says she is healthy, happy and very strong (all things I knew). Going to the doctor has become no fun for me because at every "well" check-up Ellie gets a series of shots. I know that these are necessary and I fully support them giving them to her (in fact, I sign a form giving my consent), but it is still the hardest thing for me watch.

They lie Ellie down, make me hold her arms, and the nurse gives her the shots in her thighs. Poor Ellie's face turns bright red from the pain, she screams a very, very high-pitched scream and the tears begin to flow. As she screams, she tightens up so much and cries so much that she can't scream for a few long seconds, then she takes huge gasps of air in and starts screaming even louder than before. It really only lasts about 30 seconds, but it seems like the longest 30 seconds of my life. And every time I get teary-eyed too.

I can't help it. It is just devastating to see your baby in such pain. She's so defenseless and sweet - and I just let her get hurt like that. I know the alternative is worse (I would never want to subject her to dangerous diseases when there are perfectly good vaccines that prevent them). But it just rips at my heart to see her so sad. And she always looks at me as if to say "Mom, why are you letting them hurt me? How could you do this?" Then I feel miserable. It's the worse feeling in the world. Each time we go to the doctor I think it's not going to affect me. I think that I have gotten over it. I mean really, I've had a shot before. I know it hurts, but you get over it. And Ellie gets over it too. I should be able to handle this - I'm not even the one getting the shot right now. But it doesn't matter - I look into those chocolate brown eyes full of tears and I start crying too. I am looking forward to when this part of parenthood is over. It is not the fun part of being a mom.